When deciding to blog about my life and current journey I need to decide just how open I want to be. Are there ugly parts or insecurities I would rather keep to myself, that would be more appropriate if I kept inside? I assume I can’t be the only one who feels the way I do, and wouldn’t it be wonderful to not feel alone? If we share the dark days and the hard issues can we find a kinship with others that will buoy us through it all? I hope so, here we go.
Since my marriage of 21 years ended this year it has been interesting to hear what my family members think of me and what I’ve been through. They were not aware of all the feelings and bad times I had, since I am a private person but they caught on to bits and pieces. Don’t get me wrong there were wonderful times and I certainly didn’t have a horrible marriage. I would say mine died of neglect, when you feel like you come last, after the kids, work, church, the house, chores, tv programs, video games, his parents, his siblings, his nieces and nephews, your children’s friends, hobbies, oh and apps on the phone like candy crush, you start to feel invisible. My efforts were never good enough, if he didn’t like the dinner I made he went and got fast food, if his parents didn’t think my car was clean enough for carpool they told him and he lectured me. If I asked him to please not play candy crush while driving me and the children in the car I was made fun of and ignored. Don’t we have DVR’s so we can record or pause a show when someone needs some time, a hug, some physical contact? Guess I was wrong about that as well.
Now I live in a place by myself, when the kids aren’t with me, and you know what? I’m listened to. Its only me listening but it’s something. Do I talk out loud to myself? I sure do. My dad tells me I have become someone who doubts every choice I make. How do I over come that? Well I start trying to make choices. I started by asking for the divorce and that was the hardest choice ever. Next I choose an apartment and a few months later realized I could have made a better choice and I fixed it. I have been asked out by good men but it never felt right and when one asked and it felt right I went with it. See, I’m making decisions. If I have moments of doubt at how hard some aspects of my new existence are, it’s balanced by the beautiful roads I’m finding myself on because I made the great choice of saying yes at the right time.