Light Bulbs

I made a comercial a few months ago. I still haven’t seen it on tv and I’ve tried searching the internet. I guess maybe if I watched tv on occasion there would be a higher chance of me seeing it! It was for Icy Hot and Gold Bond with Shaquille O’Neal. I’m the lady using the rowing machine and suffer from sudden painful knee problems lol. If anyone sees it let me know!!

We filmed in early December so it was freezing and of course wardrobe puts me in tiny workout shorts and a tank. It was in a lovely home that had a living room with giant glass walls that looked out to a pool and cabana. It was easy to put myself into character and enjoy my lovely yard while working out!

The hard thing about it, besides the cold, was the expectation that an actress has a perfect body. Which I don’t. I work out, but it isn’t my life.Ii’m also a mom and a busy person who really loves food. So i’m in good shape but I have some lumps and bumps and I dreaded it when I saw the booty shorts they pulled out. I tend to wear workout shorts that go longer, or capris! I heard two people having a conversation while I got into place that actresses shouldn’t have fat and it made me sad. Of course I wish I didn’t have fat, and no wonder it’s so hard on women actors trying to be perfect.

This week I was helping film a new tv show and I met an actress I have loved watching on screen. Its always amazing to meet actors we admire in person and see they have normal skin, a few wrinkles and some lumps of their own. It’s amazing what the crew does with makeup, great lighting and some editing. I wish I could walk around in the perfect lighting all the time.

Perhaps in our heads we insist on seeing our selves with ugly fluorescent lighting. How do we build up some beautiful warm lights in our mind to see our best selves and to be kinder in our self assessment?

Positive F*%#ing Talk

I have a secret love of inspirational and funny memes on social media. I try to not post them because thats not the look I am going for, and I admit I have banned friends because they post too many memes of rainbows and kittens with happy sayings. But really sometimes they do say exactly what I need to hear with the perfect picture. I’ve tried to create my own using quotes I like, with my own pictures but it doesn’t work out quite as nice.

I will also admit that I have a collection of inspirational memes that all contain the F-bomb. For some reason there are days when they just work so much better then other ones. I don’t usually use that word when I’m speaking so maybe the forbidden nature of it tickles my funny bone when I’m feeling down. I have one brother who enjoys trading these gems with me in texts whenever we find a good one.

My natural tendency isn’t to talk very nice to myself. I tend to have a lot of negative talk in my head actually. I have put up nice pictures with inspirational saying where I can see them and I started an anonymous  Instagram account to post all those memes I can’t post on my regular account lol. I read one today that had a quote from the book, “The Secret.” It says;

This is your life, and it’s been waiting for you to discover it. Up until now you may have been thinking that life is hard and a struggle, and so by the law of attraction you will have experienced life as hard and a struggle. Begin right now to shout to the universe, “Life is so good! All good things come to me!”

I’ve been trying it for a day now, I’m not saying I’m prepared to go buy the book and learn all the secrets but it was a well timed reminder. After all my very good friend likes to remind me I have a great life. Yes I’m going through hard things but it’s life great!

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Friends Are the Spice of Life

About 10 years ago I was sitting in a McDonalds with my 4 young kids. I believe my oldest was only about 10, and we didn’t normally sit in the playground at McDonalds but I had spent the morning at the elementary school with a committee debating reenrolling one of my boys back in school instead of homeschool.

A woman walked in with 2 kids and began talking to me almost immediately. I was not normally very talkative with strangers, and I wondered if she would ever go sit by herself. We spent over a hour with our kids playing and talking. She had just moved to my area less then a hour before and was only at McDonalds because she didn’t know anything or anyone in the area. Before we left we exchanged phone numbers and I laughed because I hadn’t given someone my phone number since my dating years.

Well she called and we hung out and I slowly became used to the fact that she is loud and talkative with absolutely anyone. I stopped being embarrassed when she talked to every clerk, bagger, waiter, stranger in the store and slowly began doing the same. She taught me to be confident and open up. One of her favorite things is to mention things or make jokes that make me blush, I am still an easy target.

She is my best friend. When my marriage ended she gave me courage and strength. She didn’t encourage me to leave but once I had my mind made up she gave me everything I needed to stay strong and finish the course. Sometimes I have moments of doubt on this difficult coarse I choose and wonder if I should have stayed on the safe path. She reminds me of how strong I am, and how brave I have become, and I can’t seem to hear it enough. We have been through so much, with our difficulties raising kids, husbands, health. I don’t know if I would be whole or sane without her support. I am so grateful that she doesn’t get sick of giving me the same advice over and over again because it’s hard. It’s not that I am a slow learner, it’s changing habits and feelings about myself takes a lot of time since I spent many years creating bad ones or accepting others poor opinions of me.

I believe that girlfriends are so important and I am blessed in mine.

 

Music for the Soul

Some of the advice I’ve gotten about dealing with divorce,  didn’t make sense at the time but then one day a light bulb goes off and I see what they were saying. My brother told me to not watch romantic movies, or listen to love songs, especially if they are sad love songs. Some days I am fine with all of those, and others I completely see what he was talking about.

There is a song by Brandi Carlile that I love. I love the words and it doesn’t make me sad to listen to it, I think she is singing about the kind of love that I aspire to, someone who knows me and my stories (plus it’s super fun to sing really loud in my car),

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true… I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you

You see the smile that’s on my mouth
It’s hiding the words that don’t come out
And all of my friends who think that I’m blessed
They don’t know my head is a mess
No, they don’t know who I really am
And they don’t know what I’ve been through like you do
And I was made for you…

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true… I was made for you

Oh yeah, well it’s true… that
I was made for you…

I love having theme songs, for the day or the month, music that I can play and know I will feel better after. One of my favorites to blast right now is by The Struts, Everybody Wants. Kind of a loud rocker song but the words do something for me right now. Music does things for the soul and mood that nothing else can.

Do you have a favorite go to song or anthem??

Self Doubt

When deciding to blog about my life and current journey I need to decide just how open I want to be. Are there ugly parts or insecurities I would rather keep to myself, that would be more appropriate if I kept inside?  I assume I can’t be the only one who feels the way I do, and wouldn’t it be wonderful to not feel alone? If we share the dark days and the hard issues can we find a kinship with others that will buoy us through it all? I hope so,  here we go.

Since my marriage of 21 years ended this year it has been interesting to hear what my family members think of me and what I’ve been through. They were not aware of all the feelings and bad times I had, since I am a private person but they caught on to bits and pieces. Don’t get me wrong there were wonderful times and I certainly didn’t have a horrible marriage. I would say mine died of neglect, when you feel like you come last, after the kids, work, church, the house, chores, tv programs, video games, his parents, his siblings, his nieces and nephews, your children’s friends, hobbies, oh and apps on the phone like candy crush, you start to feel invisible. My efforts were never good enough, if he didn’t like the dinner I made he went and got fast food, if his parents didn’t think my car was clean enough for carpool they told him and he lectured me. If I asked him to please not play candy crush while driving me and the children in the car I was made fun of and ignored. Don’t we have DVR’s so we can record or pause a show when someone needs some time, a hug, some physical contact? Guess I was wrong about that as well.

Now I live in a place by myself, when the kids aren’t with me, and you know what?  I’m listened to. Its only me listening but it’s something. Do I talk out loud to myself? I sure do. My dad tells me I have become someone who doubts every choice I make.  How do I over come that? Well I start trying to make choices. I started by asking for the divorce and that was the hardest choice ever. Next I choose an apartment and a few months later realized I could have made a better choice and I fixed it. I have been asked out by good men but it never felt right and when one asked and it felt right I went with it. See, I’m making decisions. If I have moments of doubt at how hard some aspects of my new existence are, it’s balanced by the beautiful roads I’m finding myself on because I made the great choice of saying yes at the right time.